The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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