Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
