dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize