she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
