After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
