I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
