Kareoke will never be a sober sport
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
