Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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