I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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