you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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