im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
