I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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