Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
