what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
