I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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