im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
