Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I AM VODKA MAN
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
