somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
