I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
