I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Less talking, more tequila
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
