I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
home. puking in laundry basket.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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