I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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