A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This house was built for laser tag.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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