OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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