I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
