i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
