Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
