Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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