I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
