I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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