I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
