I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
