Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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