My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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