I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
