Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
