This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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