I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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