the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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