Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
you never un-have a 4some
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
