she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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