And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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