hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
