but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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