Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
