So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
