Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
