He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
