my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
