I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
