Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
