Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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