I am spending my child support on dildos
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's never too late to be topless.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
