I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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