Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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